What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
