the condom got lost in my hair
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
