I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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