Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
