If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
