also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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