i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
