fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
