Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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