I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
