that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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