The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
