Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
