Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My liver just had a heart attack.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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