This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You are a genius and a whore.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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