I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
