Cold hands, warm shart.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
