I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
