Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
