he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
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The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
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I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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