JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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