So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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