There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You're a waste of cheezeits
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
