The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
