Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
