I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
