you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
