Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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