On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
