When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
