My nipple is on Facebook.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So apparently I’m into choking now
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