Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
