Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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