Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
