I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
