it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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