oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
