I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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