I skipped work to stalk him.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
