I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Randomize
