he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
