How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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