Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Umm I'm too high to move.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
