i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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