Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
