its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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