Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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