I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
