You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So much rum. So many feels.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How does one acquire holy water?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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