I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
