You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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