I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
