"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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