apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she told me i tasted like america
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
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On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
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