This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
