Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
