my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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