just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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